Sex can be a lot of fun, but it's not always easy. For many people, the idea of being intimate with another person can be nerve-wracking, or they might not feel comfortable trying new things in bed (or anywhere else for that matter). But there are some steps you can take to get out of your comfort zone so you can start enjoying your sexuality more.
Header Photo by Dainis Graveris on SexualAlpha
So, you might be lost and not know where to start. That's normal! Here are some ways to figure it out:
Erotica can be a great way to get in the mood. Not only do you get to enter a different mindset when it comes to your sexuality, but you also get to do it at your own pace, in the comfort of your own space. Some great resources to find sexy material are:
Sexy Stories:
Sexy TV Shows and Movies:
Other Sexy media:
This is a big one. Learning how to communicate your needs and wants during sex with another person is a great way to get out of your comfort zone and explore different things.
You may be thinking, “Well, I don't know what I want because I've never done it before!” or "I don't know how to ask for what I want." If so, then this is where having a solid understanding of yourself comes in handy.
Asking for what you want can seem scary or awkward at first but with some practice, it will become easier. You should never feel like you need permission from someone else when it comes to expressing yourself sexually; however, if you do feel anxious about asking for something specific then consider practicing by yourself first until the anxiety subsides, having a friend to bounce ideas off of can also help you feel validated and supported in a no-pressure environment.
If you need more advice on how to communicate your needs with a sexual partner, check out my other post: Ways to check in for consent with sexual partners.
It can be easy to get stuck in your own head, especially when it comes to things often considered "taboo" like sex itself. We all have our own ideas about what we want or don't want, but sometimes those ideas are based on assumptions that don't necessarily hold up once you research real experiences from other folks.
For example: if someone tells you that they've never had an orgasm while receiving oral sex, it's perfectly fine to question whether that would be the case for you. Every body is different!
Many factors have an effect on different sexual desires and preferences, so it's good to keep that in mind. The same goes for fantasies! If someone says they have no interest in trying a specific activity in bed, instead of immediately writing off their desires, consider asking about their thought process and comparing it to your own understanding of the activity in question.
While being open to new experiences is a good thing, it's important to try things out one at a time rather than diving into everything at once—especially since some sexual activities may seem like a good idea on paper but actually turn out not being quite as pleasurable as expected when put into practice. After all, the point of trying new things is to find out what you like. So keep each experiment simple, and always make sure that you're feeling comfortable with what's happening!
It's important to be open and honest with yourself when you're with a partner. If something doesn't work for you, don't be afraid to say so. It's also okay to stop altogether if things aren't working out the way you planned (or hoped). A good partner will understand and help you switch gears.
Talking dirty is a great way to get out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself by expressing your fantasies in a playful way. It's a great way to bridge the fantasy from your head to reality. If you’ve never done it before, talk about what you like and want from the other person. For example, if you like having your nipples played with, tell them so! Don’t get caught up in trying to sound sexy, sometimes being direct and authentic is all you need. Saying something as direct as “I like it when you play with my nipples.” can do the trick!
You should also talk about what kind of things you would like to do with your partner or vice versa. The more specific the better because it will help both parties get into the moment and really enjoy themselves during foreplay!
If you're feeling anxious, it may be a good idea to try a technique you've chosen beforehand that will help you relax. Some things you can try to calm down are:
Sex shops are a great place to explore your options. The variety of toys and accessories will help you discover things you might not have thought of before and motivate you to take your sex life in new directions. You can ask the salesperson for advice, too—they're there to help, and I am sure there's not a question or scenario they haven’t heard of!
They also offer an opportunity for education about different kinds of products and their purpose, which can be especially useful if you're just starting out with sex toys or trying something new. If shopping in person makes you nervous, there are a bunch of places online to shop for toys as well, just make sure you read what they are made of and ensure they are body-safe (Silicone, Glass, and some Metals are all good for insertion without a condom!)
With this in mind, you can begin to realize that it's okay if you don't like something or if something doesn't go the way you originally planned. You can always go back to the things you know you do enjoy and try again at a later time.
You may find that after a few tries, things start to click. Having an open mind with your process will reduce the pressure of keeping up with other people's seemingly exotic adventures, remember that your journey is your own and you don't owe anything to others.
Remember that your sexual comfort zone is not a bad place to be. It’s a good thing to have! But if it feels like it’s holding you back from great sex, then maybe it’s time to step outside of those boundaries and try new things at your own pace. And if that sounds intimidating or overwhelming, don't worry: there are lots of ways for you to get started without putting too much pressure on yourself or feeling overwhelmed by everything at once. Just keep taking small steps in the direction of what works best for you—and remember that experimenting doesn't always mean going big or doing things out of character!
